‘You look like a hideous latte’
Question:
I’m a 35-year-old man, and about 2.5 years ago, I went to visit a friend in London who couldn’t speak a word of English but said he was 16 and lived in a tiny hostel on the French Riviera. I couldn’t get over his looks and everything he said made sense (a chatty, charming Frenchman with an English accent?) – things that made me instantly fall in love. The trip was very romantic, and I came back just in time to celebrate Christmas with him. The following year I heard he was playing a game of snooker, and I found out later he was with an older woman. He said it was love and that he would stay with her and his family forever.
What you think:
Please think about this. Don’t be embarrassed by his choice of hobby. If it is something you don’t like, don’t let it stop you. Avoid trying to talk to him about it or seeing him when he sees you as an opportunity to fixate about something he once said.
It’s his business what he chooses to do – if he meets the girl or guy of his dreams, great! Do work out what will make you happy, and if you don’t like what he’s into, that’s fine too. If you have something you want to talk about, tell him.
If you are still attracted to him, that’s great too. But right now, regardless of what he’s doing, you have the responsibility to stay faithful to you.
What you should say:
You aren’t making any judgement here. Just let it be – you might think it sounds like a joke, but you should – at least – have a little conversation. Maybe ask him if he knows what the joke is – or if he can tell you – and maybe explain that you enjoy doing things together and find that a lovely way to spend time together. It’s easy to get on a plane, go to exotic places and make your mind up pretty quickly – if you can’t make up your mind, you have to be serious about your relationship.
What you should do:
If he’s not interested in you, then it’s up to him to move on. If it’s sincere and he hasn’t moved on, then your choice is making a joke of it for both of you.
It’s true to say that men and women have different interests and styles. A man with an interesting hobby is often someone who is thoughtful, kind and thoughtful, and I tend to think it’s up to you to not try to change a man into what you want. When people are single and they’re interacting with people, they make mistakes and there are things they don’t get. There are things you might find attractive in someone – and that’s fine. You don’t have to like what he’s into, just that he enjoys things.
He’s unlikely to want a commitment-phobe – if the love-interest is something he enjoys, then he won’t have to worry about the commitment-phobe bit.